How Do I Stop My Child From…? Looking Beneath the Behaviour

As a parent, you may often find yourself asking how to stop your child from doing something or other. Perhaps they are hitting or hurting others, not listening, or falling apart in response to something that feels completely disproportionate. It’s natural to want to stop the behaviour and prevent it from happening again. But in moments when your child’s behaviour is most testing, it might be more helpful to pause and understand what might be happening beneath the behaviour. 

At Nurture Your Neurons, I use a simple framework for thinking about moments like these:

KNOW what may be happening and what may be influencing it (e.g. developmental stage, context)

NOTICE how it is showing up (e.g. behaviour, feelings, interactions and patterns)

NURTURE by responding in a way that supports wellbeing, connection or growth

Rather than jumping straight to, “How do I make this stop?”, this gives you a way of slowing things down and asking what your child might need in the moment.

KNOW: The Developing Brain Matters

Understanding a little about brain development can change the way you interpret your child’s behaviour. Your child’s brain is growing and maturing, and brain development happens gradually, with earlier-developing systems and skills laying the foundations for more complex abilities later on. The brain is often described as being built “from the bottom up”, with increasingly complex circuits developing on the foundations of early neural connections.

Some of the abilities you rely on when asking your child to “behave” are actually skills that take a long time to develop. These include stopping an impulse, remembering a rule while doing something else, shifting attention away from something interesting, planning what to do next and thinking ahead about what might happen.

Your child may genuinely know a rule and even be able to repeat it back to you — “I’m not supposed to hit my brother” or “I need to put my shoes on when Mummy asks me to” — yet still struggle to use that knowledge consistently in the moment. This can be especially difficult when they are tired, excited, frustrated, anxious or overwhelmed. 

NOTICE: Get curious about patterns

Once you begin looking at behaviour in this way, you can start becoming curious about how and when it shows up. Rather than only asking, “How do I make this stop?” you could ask, “What do I notice about when and how this happens?”

You might notice patterns. Perhaps your child’s behaviour becomes much more difficult just before dinner, when they are tired and hungry. Maybe transitions are particularly hard. Perhaps your child manages well throughout nursery or school but falls apart once they are home with you. You might notice that changes to plans are particularly difficult, or that your child struggles much more when there is lots of noise, activity or stimulation around them. 

It can also be useful to notice what happens between you and your child once challenging behaviour arises. Perhaps your child shouts, you become frustrated, they become even more upset, you raise your voice and suddenly you are both caught in an escalation that feels much bigger than where it started. Noticing this is not about blaming yourself or your child. It simply allows you to see the pattern more clearly and identify where something might be changed moving forward.

NURTURE: Responding to your child's need 

Once you have a better understanding of what may be contributing to certain behaviours, your response can become more targeted and generally more effective. For example, if your child is overwhelmed, they may need fewer words and your help to regulate themselves before they are able to listen. If your child finds transitions difficult, you might offer more preparation, predictability and connection before asking them to move on. If your child hits or lashes out, you might acknowledge how they are feeling whilst also setting a clear limit.

Being curious about what sits underneath a behaviour does not mean becoming permissive or accepting every behaviour. In fact, understanding more about why something is happening can help you set limits more effectively because your response is based on recognising what your child needs rather than simply reacting in the moment.

Your child does not develop emotional and behavioural regulation in isolation. These abilities are shaped over time through repeated interactions with the adults around them. When you respond to your child’s emotions, help them regulate, model ways of coping and provide clear, predictable boundaries, you are giving them repeated opportunities to practise the skills they will gradually become more able to use for themselves.

Your child will still be impulsive, become overwhelmed, test boundaries and make mistakes. The goal is not perfect behaviour, but to support them as they gradually become more able to navigate these moments themselves.

So the next time you inevitably find yourself asking, “How do I stop my child from…?”

Try working through these three questions instead:

KNOW: What may be happening for my child, and what may be influencing it?

NOTICE: How is it showing up? What patterns am I noticing?

NURTURE: What response might support my child’s wellbeing, connection or growth?

You can still put a limit in place or expect your child to follow an instruction. But when you understand more about what lies beneath the behaviour, you are in a much stronger position to respond in a way that supports your child’s development and strengthens your relationship. It's also worth remembering that parenting will never be completely predictable, but a little understanding can make the next step clearer.

If you’d like personalised support to respond to difficult behaviour and set boundaries with confidence, get in touch with me to find an approach that works for your family.